8:17pm: So, How was fun day?
1:15am: So I just woke up in my bed in my bathing suit... I don't remember getting into bed or dinner or anything after slip n slide that happened around five... I'd say fun day was a success
I could make wine with my vomit
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
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