You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
Ok not good, my info has definitely been submitted to this sugar daddy website before.
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
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