I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
I just realized that the music from spongebob is also used in real sex HBO.
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
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