ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Randomize
