You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
I wanna get freshman fucked up and do shady things on the last Friday of my youth.
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
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