If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
Randomize
