we have officially lost it.
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
Revelation of the day. Bulimia is dumb. Anorexia is easier.
You suck.
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
Randomize
