I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
They have a pepper shaker for pot.
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
So not only did team sweden fail to particpate in any drinking game but i also found puke in my viking helmet this morning.
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
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