so i woke up thsi morning with a phadora on my head, no shirt and a huge hangover? want to help me figure this out?
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
tuscaloosa is terrifying
like people here are just empty shells of drugs and sin
there is no mercy here
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
Randomize
