So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
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