Is there a reason "Call me when you're legal" is written on my arm? I'm 22..
You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
I feel kinda awkward using the Sesame Street themed Google to search for hot young pussy...
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Randomize
