Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
Just from watching vine I come to conclusion that all pornstars are dog hoarders.
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
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