Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
I smell like Dick and happiness
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
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