yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
Agreed. And i highly doubt it could be awkward. You do remember our introduction was a direct result of you mentioning your affinity for my genitals, right?
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
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