i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
So im guessing you dont remember the walk home, where you layed down in the alley and began to sing "threes company too" and when i told you to get up you had the nerve to tell me i was to drunk.
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
I just want a relatively mentally stable guy with tattoos and facial hair that loves Captain America as much as I do and will fuck me the way I deserve to be fucked, is that too much to ask for?
I guess you could say that.. I mean, we did walk in on our DD doing a keg stand thru her ass.
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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