This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
my longitudinal study of the long term effects of sloth and alchol-intake is nearly complete.
so you are graduating this semester.
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
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