Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
Randomize
