so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
Randomize
