Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
Cleveland boys shit in their own pumpkins in their own living room. Got pictures to prove it.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
I’ve slept with a Senior, a Freshman and a Junior so far. I’m a Sophomore away from hitting for the cycle
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