Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
i realized my signature handshake has now become a hookup. i love what college has done to me.
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
Randomize
