I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
I am so proud of him. After eating the rest of our shrooms, he finally registered to vote
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
Randomize
