I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
I'm gonna go out on a limb and say it had something to do with pool sex.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
We were destined to go to rehab together
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
Randomize
