Yea went to the bars and he called me 2 hours later with random people saying he is at a place that i don't think exists
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
Bought asot tix too. After Saturday I'm gonna be reborn like Jesus and no drugs until edc
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
