What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
She wanted me to watch her masterbate and after she thanked me for a wonderful evening and left. This state is weird.
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
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