What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
He snuck into my grandmothers house, broke her lamp, fucked me, then had breakfast with us the next morning. I am an awful granddaughter.
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
So our annual Dick Trip has been tentatively scheduled for the week of July 1 - 5. This years theme is "Fucking for Freedom".
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
Randomize
