So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
(917) i just came from walking.
haha you just came from walking?
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
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