Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
Ps I think male models just broke down outside or maybe gay German sex travelers
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
I supernannyed him into submission
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
Randomize
