Ever since he's come out, my facebook stalking experience has gotten uncomfortable
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
You were trust falling into bushes
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
Randomize
