plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
10 dollar pizza all the toppings you want. Wait Until You See This Pizza
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
Randomize
