I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
no. 1 rule of bromania: no females
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
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