get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
He came inside and met my grandmother after we had sex in the driveway. I love that he has a van.
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
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