Is there a reason "Call me when you're legal" is written on my arm? I'm 22..
lets hang out tonight and do stupid stuff.
Dating you for 6 months was stupid enough. But thanks.
So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
and my herpes radar will keep us safe
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
I assume you will show your seat mates your vibrating cock ring.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
and here comes the time of my day when I haw to convince a guy to drive my cape and my handle to my dorm.
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
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