just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
just got off the metro to throw up and got back on like it ain't no thang
really making moves this morning i see
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
My vagina: 1 Male stubborness: 0
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
Randomize
