Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
No I am not eating basil off your cock
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
he was high. i was rolling face. we were both wearing grateful dead t shirts. at that point it's like we had no choice but to fuck
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
Randomize
