be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.
Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
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