if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
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