well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
So I got hit on by a gay guy. It might have something to do with the fact that I licked his nose.
And why did you do that?
Tequila
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
I look excited, but its just a facade.
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
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