there's paper in my vomit.
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
Randomize
