Sorry, I have to go home and feed my nepotisms
Sorry, I can't talk, there's a herd of nepotisms headed my way
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
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