glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
The feeling are messing with the penis
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
Randomize
