god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
I just banged your sister. Thats what you get for takibg my lunch money in 2 grade, boom, boom fiyyaa powaa
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
I'm sending you a dick pic. Ill tell the other ppl in this pancheros its cool
Don't send a pic of dick unless it's inside the burrito
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
Randomize
