I gotta feeling the economic climate has killed the housewife market
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
I figure even if it starts out as just sex I can bang him into loving me
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
Randomize
