Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
I don't know which is worse: knowing all the free porn websites, or knowing which days they update their free porn.
we should become lesbians. not together. just in general.
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
Haha we both slept with guys named Brad born on may 1st. This is a proud day for sisters.
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
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