Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
I must say your penis is just as photogenic as you
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
As long as I don't spend the half the week passed out/fucked up on Klonopin and no one dies, this will be the best week I've had all semester.
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
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