GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
judging by the cake all over the hall, my neighbors had a pretty successful thursday too.
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
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