Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
I'm developing all these feelings it's disgusting.
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
Randomize
