A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
Randomize
