tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
Randomize
