i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
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