Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
If that was your dad, he is hot
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
we were sitting in the bathtub when she came in with her grandpas cane adn beat us until lindsay passed out
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
Randomize
